"Plans have changed"

In the past couple of weeks, I’ve experienced three different instances in which plans have changed, resulting in varying levels of disappointment. I may seem to handle them maturely on the outside, but inside I have felt like throwing myself down on the ground and pitching a fit worthy of a cranky three-year-old.

The first situation involved postponing plans to travel to Europe this fall. The idea for the trip had surfaced back in the summer of 2008 while I was in China. Since it takes time to save money and accumulate enough vacation time, 2010 sounded like the perfect year to go.

Yet ever since I started dialoging with a friend last fall about it, I’ve understood that plans could change on a dime: what if I lose my job? What if my car decides to call it quits? You can tell yourself that you are holding something loosely, but the true test comes when you actually have to let it go, even if it is only temporarily.

A few weeks ago, reality began to set in. Since I started dreaming about the trip, I’ve accepted the invitations to be a bridesmaid in two weddings this year, both out of town (and one in another country). I’ve also started a long and expensive process of getting a tooth implant. If I tried to still travel to Europe, there would be no margin -- no emergency fund. Not wise. My travel buddy was in agreement -- we wait until next spring.

Next, I heard the sad news that the June 12th U2 concert was postponed until next year because of Bono’s back surgery. Completely understandable, yet still very disappointing. I’ve only been waiting to see U2 in concert since high school, for crying out loud! I guess I can wait yet another year, but…sigh.

At least I can get back into cake decorating this summer, since I have a break from school, I thought. I signed up to take a Fondant and Gum Paste class and bought all of the materials. Lo and behold, the morning of the first day of class, I learned that they cancelled the class because fell one person short of the minimum class size. I’m ashamed to admit that it ruined my entire day. Come on! I don’t want to wait to take it -- I have free time now. (Cue another inner tantrum.)

Of course, these seem to be pretty minor compared to the major disappointments many people have to struggle with: loss of job, prolonged singleness, divorce, childlessness. I don’t want to minimize those very valid areas of pain. However, the minor things are not insignificant --perhaps they are more easily dismissed. You might give yourself permission to grieve a huge disappointment, but not acknowledge the smaller ones. Until they build up, that is.

Then I think, how often we set ourselves up for these situations when we make all these plans and then somehow think they will automatically succeed? Scriptures say “In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps” (Proverbs 16:9) and “Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” (Proverbs 19:21). We build up our expectations and then hold onto them as if we are entitled to them.

For me, these recent situations were a good reminder that I am not in control of my life. It’s good to make plans and be intentional with your life, as long as you acknowledge that God has His own plans and can take us in a different direction. They don’t always make sense to us in our finite minds, but you can see His hand so many times in those “aha” moments after the fact.

Last Saturday, when I was supposed to be at the outdoor U2 concert, it rained constantly and the high for the day was in the 50s -- what a fun concert that would have been! Instead, I went to a healing conference in Denver that completely blew my mind (another blog post entirely). If the concert had not been cancelled, who’s to say that I would have made it to that conference where I learned and experienced so much? I love those gentle reminders from God that He sees our hurts and broken plans, but He always knows what He is doing.