On being a perfectionist

I've always had a bit of a perfectionist tendency, but there are certain things that trigger it. For example, I don't seem to mind if my room looks like a clothing and paperwork bomb went off. I'm only slightly bothered when my car looks like a hodgepodge of books, dirty dishes, CD cases, and ice skates.

However, ask me to pick out a Hallmark card for someone and I'm immobilized. Is it too serious? Too sappy? Not the right kind of humor? Should it have a Bible verse or not? And, what if it's the perfect card for your mom, but it's addressed to Mother (which you only use when you're mad at her -- therefore, not appropriate in a greeting card). I also tend to kick into some crazy hyper-conscientiousness mode when I'm trying to find just the perfect gift. It's my M.O. I finally figured out that it's because gift-giving is one of my love languages. It's how I show love, so it's got to be just right.

Usually I stop myself before it gets out of hand, but only after it's caused some frustration and exhaustion. Recently I found another trigger for my crazy perfectionism -- school. After being out of college for almost 9 years now, I forgot about that pressure to do well and get good grades. I started taking an economics class several weeks ago to fill in some missing social studies credits (that's a whole other blog entry).

I told myself that it didn't really matter if I got did well -- I just need those three credits. It wasn't long before I kicked into high gear: I must get an A+ in this class!  The fact that macroeconomics isn't exactly my strong suit made me even more determined. There's nothing wrong with wanting to achieve excellence, but there's definitely a problem when you think that it it defines you.

A main struggle during my college years was to not look to grades and success as reflections of my self-worth. My parents never did this to me by communicating high expectations -- I did it to myself. And that's what concerns me now -- that I'll slip back down that slope and think that some silly grade in a class means anything in the long run. I suppose I'm saying this so that I have some accountability, but also to remind myself that while achievement is great, perfectionist can rob you of so much.

So I'm sitting in Borders blogging instead of writing an econ paper (that isn't even due for another week). So take that, hyper-perfectionism!

The Comparison Game

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly discontent can insidiously creep into your life. One day, you may feel fine, and out of nowhere something triggers it. Perhaps it’s been there under the surface for a while, percolating, and then it boils over -- a vivid reminder that, in comparison to someone else’s life, you’re hopelessly stuck or underperforming.

I recently found myself in a situation where I was with friends who had moved forward in a certain area of their lives…and I was still stuck in the same old place with no visible progress. I might not have been so aware of my lack of progress if I hadn’t met with these friends, yet I went home moping and feeling sorry for myself. After a healthy dose of self pity, I pulled myself out of the funk by reminding myself that God has a different plan for me. If I try to measure my life according to the standards of everyone else’s life, I am going to constantly feel discontent.

Whether it’s about marriage, kids, job, calling, or fill-in-the-blank, someone is always going to seem to have it better than you and me. Their timeline might look way more appealing than ours. Their situation may seem easier. You think, God, why are they getting all of the blessing here? Pretty soon, we’ve got a full-blown jealousy situation on our hands.

When we get sucked into the comparison game, we forfeit the wonderful peace that comes from that overwhelming feeling that we are smack-dab in the middle of God’s will. Instead of feeling comfortable in our own circumstances and rejoicing in the season in which God has us, we focus on everything we don’t have. And the list can grow long. Too long, in fact, to see the blessings right in front of us.

I wish I could see my life through God’s eyes, and I understand why He does what He does. Why does He give some people who we would consider undeserving the things we want, and withhold them from us? What unseen factors are going on here that I’m not aware of?

That same weekend I hung out with these friends, one of my close friends got engaged. Talk about adding fuel to the fire! I was happy for her, but this was the last straw. I cried on the phone with my mom for an hour, and she reminded me that God has done some wonderful things in my life, and that He's preparing me for other things as we speak. It's as if a spirit of thankfulness returned to me as I reflected upon God's faithfulness. Now, when I'm feeling frustrated, I'm going remind myself to read my journals to remember all that He's done for me.

I'm back!

I’m ashamed to say that after more than three months after I created this blog, I am finally writing my second post! I have no excuses, except for the holidays, a vacation in a foreign country, an economics class, and perhaps still some hesitancy about the idea of my writing being out there for the world to see.

In my early strategizing, I decided I would wait until I had at least several semi-brilliant posts up until I advertised my blog to friends and family. The result: pretty much all accountability went out the window. It became way too easy to procrastinate, even after getting a new laptop (which was supposed to propel me into writing bliss, but rather managed to lure me into the world of playing Mah Jong and Beweled constantly during the first month I owned it).

I was so embarrassed by my procrastination that I contemplated removing my first post, and then re-posting it with a February date. Sneaky, huh? J Since no one knew my blog existed before, the evidence against me would disappear into the World Wide Abyss. Except that wouldn’t do -- if you’re going to read this blog, you’ll have to just accept me the way I am. Transparent. Imperfect. And more than susceptible to a late-night game of Mah Jong instead of writing!