The stress snowball

A funny thing happens when I start getting stressed out about life -- I get busier. Everyone copes with stress differently, but I try to avoid dealing with it by filling my schedule with other things. For some reason, I must think that by distracting myself with other tasks, I will feel better. You can tell where this is going -- then I get even more overwhelmed, and the stress starts snowballing. When I start cutting down on the time in which I could recharge and spend time with God, then the snowball suddenly picks up more momentum. It's only a matter of time until it crashes at the bottom of the mountain and then explodes into frozen smithereens.

I find myself in the midst of an utter meltdown and wonder how I got to this point again. Haven't I learned yet from the many previous snowball-exploding experiences in my life? My friend recently observed that I do "fine" for a long time, and all of a sudden I realize things are out of my control. It's my human nature that wants to avoid these problems, rather than face them. It seems easier at the time to "busy" yourself instead of working through the stress and emotional turmoil staring you down.

Another contributing factor could be that I cringe at the thought of showing these true emotions to others -- an ironic problem because my meltdowns often take place in the presence of others, much to my chagrin (no one really wants to start crying in a meeting room at work, do they?). I'm still working through the faulty mindset of maintaining an emotional lockdown and not allowing others to see how overwhelmed I am. My mom loves to compare stuffing emotions to stuffing garbage down in a dumpster -- it's only a matter of time before the stench starts seeping out.

The common advice would be to "nip it in the bud," but it's become so natural for me, that I don't even realize when it is budding. Perhaps I can aim toward nipping it in the early blooming stages first, with the hope of nipping the bud eventually.It's got to be a day-to-day, moment-to-moment decision to be conscious of my stress level -- and to pray, journal, and talk to others about it as needed. It's a fine line between confiding in others and dumping your junk on them, but it's important to find the balance. 

Right now I am in the midst of a very busy time, and I love it and hate it at the same time. Why I have I not blogged since August? Because in August we started a crazy schedule of training at work, and it just sapped my energy. I entered into maintenance mode. I suddenly became forgetful about ridiculous things. About a month ago, I decided I wasn't going to allow my job to drain me this much. I made up my mind, from that point forward, to reconnect with one of my friends once a week. This has been wonderful, but it has also been challenging. I want to invest in relationships and life in general, not just survive at work. However, I can't do it all. So I must risk disappointing people at times, and learning to say no when I don't necessarily want to.

Strangely enough, I feel quite peaceful -- at the moment. However, in the next month, I have an insane number of things going on. My Colorado history class, while fascinating, is demanding a lot more time than I anticipated. I'm going to three weddings, three weekends in a row...one of which is in Guatemala. Of course, that also means three bridal showers to attend and three wedding gifts to purchase! At work, there's a lovely collision of several major projects coming at the same time our team is half-staffed. I don't think I've ever seen such a "perfect storm" brewing at my job. It's quite daunting. So how am I going to face all of this craziness? I suppose it will be the same amazing way I have been getting by for the past two months. 

One day at a time, I see God sustaining me in miraculous ways -- renewing my resolve, filling me with hope and perspective, bringing me encouragement from unexpected places. I really can't do this in my own strength, and I need wisdom to know what to do and when to do it. So far, I feel very peaceful considering the circumstances -- I'm not sure how God does this, but I'm grateful for it. And I'm at least trying to figure out ways to nip the stress in the proverbial bud, like exercising more and spending time writing. 

Right now, I'm listening to the "most relaxing music in the world." I know this because that is the title of the CD I bought from the dollar store last week. This of course is nice, but probably the best way for me to tackle stress in my life is to just have a better understanding (and acceptance) of my limitations. Oh, how glorious that would be...and how utterly terrifying.