On being a perfectionist

I've always had a bit of a perfectionist tendency, but there are certain things that trigger it. For example, I don't seem to mind if my room looks like a clothing and paperwork bomb went off. I'm only slightly bothered when my car looks like a hodgepodge of books, dirty dishes, CD cases, and ice skates.

However, ask me to pick out a Hallmark card for someone and I'm immobilized. Is it too serious? Too sappy? Not the right kind of humor? Should it have a Bible verse or not? And, what if it's the perfect card for your mom, but it's addressed to Mother (which you only use when you're mad at her -- therefore, not appropriate in a greeting card). I also tend to kick into some crazy hyper-conscientiousness mode when I'm trying to find just the perfect gift. It's my M.O. I finally figured out that it's because gift-giving is one of my love languages. It's how I show love, so it's got to be just right.

Usually I stop myself before it gets out of hand, but only after it's caused some frustration and exhaustion. Recently I found another trigger for my crazy perfectionism -- school. After being out of college for almost 9 years now, I forgot about that pressure to do well and get good grades. I started taking an economics class several weeks ago to fill in some missing social studies credits (that's a whole other blog entry).

I told myself that it didn't really matter if I got did well -- I just need those three credits. It wasn't long before I kicked into high gear: I must get an A+ in this class!  The fact that macroeconomics isn't exactly my strong suit made me even more determined. There's nothing wrong with wanting to achieve excellence, but there's definitely a problem when you think that it it defines you.

A main struggle during my college years was to not look to grades and success as reflections of my self-worth. My parents never did this to me by communicating high expectations -- I did it to myself. And that's what concerns me now -- that I'll slip back down that slope and think that some silly grade in a class means anything in the long run. I suppose I'm saying this so that I have some accountability, but also to remind myself that while achievement is great, perfectionist can rob you of so much.

So I'm sitting in Borders blogging instead of writing an econ paper (that isn't even due for another week). So take that, hyper-perfectionism!