The Female Dynamics of Insecurity

This post is going to be geared more toward women, so I apologize if any men are reading. Perhaps you will gain some insight into the female mind!

Life has been busy, and unfortunately, my blog has been neglected as a result. But fresh with revelation after attending Beth Moore's simulcast yesterday, I just couldn't help but sit down and pour out some of my thoughts. Beth Moore is one of my favorite Christian authors and speakers, and lest you think I'm some kind of Beth groupie, I have to say it's because she has such a passion for digging into the Bible and revealing God's heart through His Word. Probably a few other people think the same, given that there were 300,000 women attending this simulcast event across North America.

The topic: content from Beth's new book, So Long, Insecurity. The joke was, if you're struggling with insecurity, are you going to feel secure enough to buy a book with that title, or even attend an event like this? So, am I secure enough to write a blog post about my own issues with it?   :-) I know insecurity is a problem for every human being to some extent, but for women it can be rampant and insidious. The sad thing is, it becomes so natural and seemingly part of who you are, you don't always realize that you are insecure. You become an expert at masking it and managing it. I went into the simulcast thinking that there were very few areas in which I was insecure, and since then, God has been revealing more all the time. I've just never identified them before, I guess (except when it comes to writing this blog - as I've mentioned before, this is an area of extreme insecurity for me. But I'm overcoming it word by word!).

I'm glad Beth decided to address this subject, because it is a struggle for so many women. I believe in Christian circles there can be a whole other layer of insecurity based on how good of a Christian woman you are, or at least how you appear to be. We Christians tend to think we have to plaster on a fake smile all the time, right? We think that if we're not perfect, we're defaming the name of Jesus or something, forgetting that Jesus was the only perfect human to walk this earth. It's simply not all right that the people who should be the most devoted to pursuing truth can be the ones most eager to put up a front of perfect living. Anyway, I digress.

Looking around at the hundreds of other women crammed into the church sanctuary yesterday, I had to smile. There is something about women's events: retreats, brunches, bridal and baby showers, you name it -- we feel like we need to look our best. We dress up in our cutest outfits, make sure to do our hair, and take extra care with our makeup. Case in point: I changed clothes several times before deciding on an outfit yesterday. I put on eyeliner, which is rare. Then we drove to the church (even though it is literally a block away from the house) because we didn't want the wind to mess up our hair. Mind you that there are no men around at these events, yet we women primp oftentimes more for each other than we would for men. A curious phenomenon, and I think it can at least partially be attributed to insecurity.

Women are always sizing each other up, for the good and the bad. No one wants to show up for a women's event wearing frumpy gray sweats, because she would feel judged and looked down upon. But every woman wants to hear her friends compliment her new shoes or earrings or whatnot. Now, I'm not saying that all women are petty by any means -- women tend to love showering compliments on each other, and who would want to miss out on that? But the deeper issue can be this lingering feeling of inadequacy among women -- there's always another person who has a better body, stronger family, deeper spirituality, and we can never measure up to them. It ties back to the comparison game, many times. We crave a certain validation from other women that affirms our femininity.

Here's a confession of mine: while it might be pathetic, it is honest, and I believe many others can relate. As a single woman, I can't express how uncomfortable I can feel in a mixed group of women. I think that so much "womanhood" is associated with the role of wife and mother that I feel like I'm an outsider looking into some exclusive "club." Like I don't "belong" because I'm not married and I don't have kids. So when I go to an event like this, I always notice those who are wearing wedding rings, and those who are not. It helps me gauge where I stand in the crowd. If there are a majority of single women like myself, I feel at more at ease. If there are more married women, I feel like more of a circus freak. And I hope that they won't notice I'm single or start with the well-meaning "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend" spiel.  

I recall a few years ago experiencing a bit of a "light bulb" moment. I was in a small group with two close friends who had recently married. They made a comment that they felt inadequate compared to other women because even though they were married, they had no children. There seemed to be a huge disconnect between "childless" women and mothers, not unlike the common disconnect between married and single women. From what they had observed, it didn't stop there. Once you had children, then you started comparing them to other's children (who walked sooner, who got their black belt in karate, etc.). So in the world of women, there always seems to be some kind of one-upmanship -- and it can just keep spiraling downward if you don't try to counteract it. Otherwise, where does it end? Not in a good place, for sure.

It begs the question -- why are we so concerned about what others think of us? What other women think of us? Are we that needy that we have to secure our "place" in society or gain other's approval in order to think better of ourselves? I know that I will be the most secure when I am looking to God to meet these needs and not to others. And I will feel the most alive when I strive to become who God created me to be and to accept my uniqueness and design instead of trying to become someone else. But to beat back the forces of insecurity by refusing to cater to it -- that's going to take, as Beth said, some serious intentionality. A good challenge for all of us women.