The Immeasurable Value of Forgiveness

Forgiveness. The concept can make some people cringe, and others cry for joy -- I guess it depends on whether you're on the receiving end or not. It's human nature to struggle with forgiving others when they've wronged you. Some of us have a difficult time receiving forgiveness from someone else or even being able to forgive ourselves.

Let's face it -- we've all hurt other people by our words, actions, or inactions. Could you imagine a world where no one forgave each other? Talk about unpleasant, if not downright unlivable. It stands to reason that if we would want others to let us off the hook for our mistakes, we should do the same. If you've been to church or picked up a Bible recently, you probably know that forgiveness is a central theme of the Christian faith. Jesus tells us to forgive men when they sin against us, so that God will forgive us. I love how he compares forgiving someone with canceling a debt that is owed.

I've heard authors and Bible teachers liken unforgiveness to a cage that traps both the victim and the perpetator. The victim believes that by not forgiving, she holds some kind of power over the person who hurt her. "But he doesn't deserve my forgiveness" or "she hasn't even apologized" become excuses to hold on to this pain. What the victim doesn't realize is that this plan always backfires, and she becomes a prisoner in a self-made prison. She has an illusion of control over the situation, but it's really just a sham.

We often believe that we can only truly forgive if we feel like forgiving. I'm not quite ready yet, we tell ourselves. But if we wait for our emotions to dictate when to take this step, we lose valuable time in which we could be enjoying the release and freedom that comes from letting it all go ...and who's to say we would ever reach that point, at least not before bitterness and anger seep into our souls and slowly destroy us.

That's why forgiveness should be based on a choice, not a feeling. I know this is not a new concept, but we forget this so often. Emotions are fickle, people! We inevitably make poor decisions when we rely on our feelings to guide us. It's like love -- we may not always feel love for someone, but we still choose to love them. It's an act of the will. When we make the determination to choose forgiveness, the feelings come later. They really do.

Case in point -- some years ago, I felt betrayed by some people who I thought cared for me. I met this couple -- we'll call them Mr. and Mrs. Smith, for lack of a more original name (and no, they did not resemble Brangelina). I was drawn to their charisma and leadership, and I grew to respect and trust them quite a bit as we developed a friendship. They really made me feel valued and welcomed, and would compliment and encourage me...until everything changed overnight.

A conflict emerged between them and another group, and I was pulled into the middle. Mr. and Mrs. Smith wanted me to do one thing. The "other side" wanted me to do something else. I was in an impossible place in which either way I would upset someone. So, I decided to remove myself from this volatile situation. When I didn't act as their pawn, the Smiths cut off contact with me. As if that wasn't enough, they spread nasty lies about me and maligned me to some of our mutual friends. It was probably the strongest attack against my character that I've ever encountered, and I was caught completely off-guard. This couple whom I had trusted had turned on me, and seemed to have been "wolves in sheep's clothing" the whole time.

This betrayal wounded me deeply and had come on the heels of several other difficult circumstances in the past several months. I would sit in church and just feel completely numb and detached. It was a dark time. On some level, I wanted to forgive the Smiths, but it just seemed so impossible. Perhaps nine months later, I ran into the Smiths in a video rental store and an emotional breakdown followed. The pain was still very real, as was the paranoia that I would see them again in the future.

Time heals a lot, and I felt after a year-and-a-half went by that I had forgiven them. Then my small group started a study on offense, and it revealed an even deeper layer of unforgiveness toward the Smiths. I committed to continually making the choice to forgive. It was a decision I made every time the memory of them or of the situation would pop up. After a while, I no longer even thought about them.

Almost three years after the incident, I was swimming at the YMCA with my friend. As usual, we made a beeline for the jacuzzi after our workout. As I walked into the room, my eyes immediately locked on a couple in the hot tub -- it was the Smiths! They had seen me, so there was no way to back-pedal from there without looking obvious. I went into the hot tub and we started an amiable conversation. The amazing thing was, they no longer had any hold on me. I didn't feel the sting of pain or the panic that I had experienced before. I was confident and composed. It wasn't until we left the Y that I realized how significant that moment was for me.

I had chosen to forgive them, even when I didn't feel like it. And the feelings of forgiveness really did follow. I was no longer in a cage where I could continue to be tormented -- I was free! It didn't matter if they deserved my forgiveness or not. I was obedient to God, and it blessed me in turn.

It was only a year later that the same friend who was with me at the YMCA that day heard that a family member had been brutally murdered. In the midst of her grief, she told me that she didn't know how she could ever forgive her loved one's killer. Now, that offense was much greater than my own had been, but I knew from experience that forgiveness is possible when you're willing to make that choice. I reminded her of the miracle I experienced with the Smiths, and encouraged her that if she was willing to make the choice, God would meet her right there. 

If any of you are wrestling with this issue, I pray that God empowers you and gives you strength and courage to take the next step -- the step of forgiveness that leads to freedom!