The Female Dynamics of Insecurity

This post is going to be geared more toward women, so I apologize if any men are reading. Perhaps you will gain some insight into the female mind!

Life has been busy, and unfortunately, my blog has been neglected as a result. But fresh with revelation after attending Beth Moore's simulcast yesterday, I just couldn't help but sit down and pour out some of my thoughts. Beth Moore is one of my favorite Christian authors and speakers, and lest you think I'm some kind of Beth groupie, I have to say it's because she has such a passion for digging into the Bible and revealing God's heart through His Word. Probably a few other people think the same, given that there were 300,000 women attending this simulcast event across North America.

The topic: content from Beth's new book, So Long, Insecurity. The joke was, if you're struggling with insecurity, are you going to feel secure enough to buy a book with that title, or even attend an event like this? So, am I secure enough to write a blog post about my own issues with it?   :-) I know insecurity is a problem for every human being to some extent, but for women it can be rampant and insidious. The sad thing is, it becomes so natural and seemingly part of who you are, you don't always realize that you are insecure. You become an expert at masking it and managing it. I went into the simulcast thinking that there were very few areas in which I was insecure, and since then, God has been revealing more all the time. I've just never identified them before, I guess (except when it comes to writing this blog - as I've mentioned before, this is an area of extreme insecurity for me. But I'm overcoming it word by word!).

I'm glad Beth decided to address this subject, because it is a struggle for so many women. I believe in Christian circles there can be a whole other layer of insecurity based on how good of a Christian woman you are, or at least how you appear to be. We Christians tend to think we have to plaster on a fake smile all the time, right? We think that if we're not perfect, we're defaming the name of Jesus or something, forgetting that Jesus was the only perfect human to walk this earth. It's simply not all right that the people who should be the most devoted to pursuing truth can be the ones most eager to put up a front of perfect living. Anyway, I digress.

Looking around at the hundreds of other women crammed into the church sanctuary yesterday, I had to smile. There is something about women's events: retreats, brunches, bridal and baby showers, you name it -- we feel like we need to look our best. We dress up in our cutest outfits, make sure to do our hair, and take extra care with our makeup. Case in point: I changed clothes several times before deciding on an outfit yesterday. I put on eyeliner, which is rare. Then we drove to the church (even though it is literally a block away from the house) because we didn't want the wind to mess up our hair. Mind you that there are no men around at these events, yet we women primp oftentimes more for each other than we would for men. A curious phenomenon, and I think it can at least partially be attributed to insecurity.

Women are always sizing each other up, for the good and the bad. No one wants to show up for a women's event wearing frumpy gray sweats, because she would feel judged and looked down upon. But every woman wants to hear her friends compliment her new shoes or earrings or whatnot. Now, I'm not saying that all women are petty by any means -- women tend to love showering compliments on each other, and who would want to miss out on that? But the deeper issue can be this lingering feeling of inadequacy among women -- there's always another person who has a better body, stronger family, deeper spirituality, and we can never measure up to them. It ties back to the comparison game, many times. We crave a certain validation from other women that affirms our femininity.

Here's a confession of mine: while it might be pathetic, it is honest, and I believe many others can relate. As a single woman, I can't express how uncomfortable I can feel in a mixed group of women. I think that so much "womanhood" is associated with the role of wife and mother that I feel like I'm an outsider looking into some exclusive "club." Like I don't "belong" because I'm not married and I don't have kids. So when I go to an event like this, I always notice those who are wearing wedding rings, and those who are not. It helps me gauge where I stand in the crowd. If there are a majority of single women like myself, I feel at more at ease. If there are more married women, I feel like more of a circus freak. And I hope that they won't notice I'm single or start with the well-meaning "I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend" spiel.  

I recall a few years ago experiencing a bit of a "light bulb" moment. I was in a small group with two close friends who had recently married. They made a comment that they felt inadequate compared to other women because even though they were married, they had no children. There seemed to be a huge disconnect between "childless" women and mothers, not unlike the common disconnect between married and single women. From what they had observed, it didn't stop there. Once you had children, then you started comparing them to other's children (who walked sooner, who got their black belt in karate, etc.). So in the world of women, there always seems to be some kind of one-upmanship -- and it can just keep spiraling downward if you don't try to counteract it. Otherwise, where does it end? Not in a good place, for sure.

It begs the question -- why are we so concerned about what others think of us? What other women think of us? Are we that needy that we have to secure our "place" in society or gain other's approval in order to think better of ourselves? I know that I will be the most secure when I am looking to God to meet these needs and not to others. And I will feel the most alive when I strive to become who God created me to be and to accept my uniqueness and design instead of trying to become someone else. But to beat back the forces of insecurity by refusing to cater to it -- that's going to take, as Beth said, some serious intentionality. A good challenge for all of us women.

Is your next passion sitting on the back burner?

Do you ever feel like in the busyness of life, you're always putting things on the back burner? As in, someday I'd like to learn how to paint, when I have the time. "The time" is an undetermined point in the future that can be weeks, months, years, or never. How many times does this thing always stay on the "back burner" and never come to fruition?

For years, I had wanted to take a cake decorating class. I missed an opportunity to take one right before I moved to Colorado Springs, and then I never got around to doing it once I relocated. Last winter, I was experiencing a bit of a lull -- no exciting trips to plan, not much going on. And I remembered how much I wanted to take cake decorating, so I used Christmas money and signed up for a class at Hobby Lobby, a nearby craft store.

I ended up taking two 4-week courses in a row, and ended up unearthing a new favorite hobby! I learned how to make borders, roses, basketweave, you name it. And I also started learning more about baking cakes -- what makes them fall apart, what makes them moist, how can you add ingredients to cake mixes to make delicious flavors. Before I knew it, I was making cakes for friends and family: birthdays, bridal showers, baby showers, graduations.

I realized that by doing cake decorating, I was combining several of my passions:

• I love baking and enjoy the challenge of trying new recipes.
• I reconnect with my artistic side by creating new and unique cake designs.
• I enjoy blessing people with cakes in their honor (gift giving and acts of service are my love languages).

Now, why didn't I do this years ago? If I had known how much joy I would receive, and give to others, perhaps I would have. But you never know until you take the initiative to pull things off the back burner. What is on your back burner right now? Is it time to just take the plunge and do it?

Next on my horizon? I just might take up the violin. One of these days.

The Post-Oscar Blahs

My dad and I used to watch the Academy Awards together every year, and when I was younger I would often daydream of becoming a famous actress and someday receiving an Oscar. I'm sure I wasn't the only kid to rehearse her acceptance speech in front of the mirror on more than one occasion (some of you probably still do this!). And I figured if I made sure to thank God, He'd be even more willing to pave my way to the red carpet. I wonder how many award winners mention God in their speeches due to a bargain they made like this, anyway :-)

Inside each one of us is a desire to be recognized and appreciated, hence the fanfare of all these award shows (and our unrealistic daydreams). And, of course, we also secretly long to be the BEST. We're drawn to award shows not just to watch the movie clips or make fun of fashion nightmares (ahem, can you say J. Lo?) -- at some level, all of us can relate to Hollywood's desire to puff itself up and seek approval. As I watched the Oscars last night, I wondered what was on the minds of the nominees in the room. For many, an Oscar represents the pinnacle of their career -- the ultimate prize that validates their identity, and then gathers dust in the display case while they glory about their past triumph. What happens if they don't win, or even if they do win? Can a little gold statue really do all that they hope it will?

Some years back, I went on a trip to Hollwood to do some prayer walking with my church. We partnered with a really cool ministry called The Hollywood Prayer Network, and the president said something that really struck me. She explained that the day after the Oscars is the darkest day in Hollywood. Those who didn't win an award feel like failures, which is an understandable response to disappointment. However, those who did win are struck with the thought of "I finally got an Oscar. Is this all there is?" There's no where to go but down when so much emphasis is placed on some symbol of recognition. After they get home at 5 am from their post-Oscar parties and the hype is all over, what do they do?

This begs the question, what is your dream? And what would you do if it were achieved? It would certainly provide a temporary euphoria, but what then? There's nothing wrong with dreaming big and wanting to achieve goals -- but there is something wrong with the belief that it will be enough. We're setting ourselves up for disappointment if our identity is based on what we do.

At this year's Academy Awards, something really stuck out at me. For the best actor and actress presentations, they invited one of the nominees' colleagues to say something about that person. My favorite was Michelle Pfeiffer's encouraging words to Jeff Bridges, who was later announced as the winner. I just thought, I would rather have the encouraging and uplifting words of a friend any day instead of a silly trophy, even if it is made of gold. There may have only been one winner, but each person was able to leave that theatre with those words on his or her heart. A good reminder of how important it is to build each other up.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the Oscars. What were your impressions of the actors and actresses there?

The Immeasurable Value of Forgiveness

Forgiveness. The concept can make some people cringe, and others cry for joy -- I guess it depends on whether you're on the receiving end or not. It's human nature to struggle with forgiving others when they've wronged you. Some of us have a difficult time receiving forgiveness from someone else or even being able to forgive ourselves.

Let's face it -- we've all hurt other people by our words, actions, or inactions. Could you imagine a world where no one forgave each other? Talk about unpleasant, if not downright unlivable. It stands to reason that if we would want others to let us off the hook for our mistakes, we should do the same. If you've been to church or picked up a Bible recently, you probably know that forgiveness is a central theme of the Christian faith. Jesus tells us to forgive men when they sin against us, so that God will forgive us. I love how he compares forgiving someone with canceling a debt that is owed.

I've heard authors and Bible teachers liken unforgiveness to a cage that traps both the victim and the perpetator. The victim believes that by not forgiving, she holds some kind of power over the person who hurt her. "But he doesn't deserve my forgiveness" or "she hasn't even apologized" become excuses to hold on to this pain. What the victim doesn't realize is that this plan always backfires, and she becomes a prisoner in a self-made prison. She has an illusion of control over the situation, but it's really just a sham.

We often believe that we can only truly forgive if we feel like forgiving. I'm not quite ready yet, we tell ourselves. But if we wait for our emotions to dictate when to take this step, we lose valuable time in which we could be enjoying the release and freedom that comes from letting it all go ...and who's to say we would ever reach that point, at least not before bitterness and anger seep into our souls and slowly destroy us.

That's why forgiveness should be based on a choice, not a feeling. I know this is not a new concept, but we forget this so often. Emotions are fickle, people! We inevitably make poor decisions when we rely on our feelings to guide us. It's like love -- we may not always feel love for someone, but we still choose to love them. It's an act of the will. When we make the determination to choose forgiveness, the feelings come later. They really do.

Case in point -- some years ago, I felt betrayed by some people who I thought cared for me. I met this couple -- we'll call them Mr. and Mrs. Smith, for lack of a more original name (and no, they did not resemble Brangelina). I was drawn to their charisma and leadership, and I grew to respect and trust them quite a bit as we developed a friendship. They really made me feel valued and welcomed, and would compliment and encourage me...until everything changed overnight.

A conflict emerged between them and another group, and I was pulled into the middle. Mr. and Mrs. Smith wanted me to do one thing. The "other side" wanted me to do something else. I was in an impossible place in which either way I would upset someone. So, I decided to remove myself from this volatile situation. When I didn't act as their pawn, the Smiths cut off contact with me. As if that wasn't enough, they spread nasty lies about me and maligned me to some of our mutual friends. It was probably the strongest attack against my character that I've ever encountered, and I was caught completely off-guard. This couple whom I had trusted had turned on me, and seemed to have been "wolves in sheep's clothing" the whole time.

This betrayal wounded me deeply and had come on the heels of several other difficult circumstances in the past several months. I would sit in church and just feel completely numb and detached. It was a dark time. On some level, I wanted to forgive the Smiths, but it just seemed so impossible. Perhaps nine months later, I ran into the Smiths in a video rental store and an emotional breakdown followed. The pain was still very real, as was the paranoia that I would see them again in the future.

Time heals a lot, and I felt after a year-and-a-half went by that I had forgiven them. Then my small group started a study on offense, and it revealed an even deeper layer of unforgiveness toward the Smiths. I committed to continually making the choice to forgive. It was a decision I made every time the memory of them or of the situation would pop up. After a while, I no longer even thought about them.

Almost three years after the incident, I was swimming at the YMCA with my friend. As usual, we made a beeline for the jacuzzi after our workout. As I walked into the room, my eyes immediately locked on a couple in the hot tub -- it was the Smiths! They had seen me, so there was no way to back-pedal from there without looking obvious. I went into the hot tub and we started an amiable conversation. The amazing thing was, they no longer had any hold on me. I didn't feel the sting of pain or the panic that I had experienced before. I was confident and composed. It wasn't until we left the Y that I realized how significant that moment was for me.

I had chosen to forgive them, even when I didn't feel like it. And the feelings of forgiveness really did follow. I was no longer in a cage where I could continue to be tormented -- I was free! It didn't matter if they deserved my forgiveness or not. I was obedient to God, and it blessed me in turn.

It was only a year later that the same friend who was with me at the YMCA that day heard that a family member had been brutally murdered. In the midst of her grief, she told me that she didn't know how she could ever forgive her loved one's killer. Now, that offense was much greater than my own had been, but I knew from experience that forgiveness is possible when you're willing to make that choice. I reminded her of the miracle I experienced with the Smiths, and encouraged her that if she was willing to make the choice, God would meet her right there. 

If any of you are wrestling with this issue, I pray that God empowers you and gives you strength and courage to take the next step -- the step of forgiveness that leads to freedom!

On being a perfectionist

I've always had a bit of a perfectionist tendency, but there are certain things that trigger it. For example, I don't seem to mind if my room looks like a clothing and paperwork bomb went off. I'm only slightly bothered when my car looks like a hodgepodge of books, dirty dishes, CD cases, and ice skates.

However, ask me to pick out a Hallmark card for someone and I'm immobilized. Is it too serious? Too sappy? Not the right kind of humor? Should it have a Bible verse or not? And, what if it's the perfect card for your mom, but it's addressed to Mother (which you only use when you're mad at her -- therefore, not appropriate in a greeting card). I also tend to kick into some crazy hyper-conscientiousness mode when I'm trying to find just the perfect gift. It's my M.O. I finally figured out that it's because gift-giving is one of my love languages. It's how I show love, so it's got to be just right.

Usually I stop myself before it gets out of hand, but only after it's caused some frustration and exhaustion. Recently I found another trigger for my crazy perfectionism -- school. After being out of college for almost 9 years now, I forgot about that pressure to do well and get good grades. I started taking an economics class several weeks ago to fill in some missing social studies credits (that's a whole other blog entry).

I told myself that it didn't really matter if I got did well -- I just need those three credits. It wasn't long before I kicked into high gear: I must get an A+ in this class!  The fact that macroeconomics isn't exactly my strong suit made me even more determined. There's nothing wrong with wanting to achieve excellence, but there's definitely a problem when you think that it it defines you.

A main struggle during my college years was to not look to grades and success as reflections of my self-worth. My parents never did this to me by communicating high expectations -- I did it to myself. And that's what concerns me now -- that I'll slip back down that slope and think that some silly grade in a class means anything in the long run. I suppose I'm saying this so that I have some accountability, but also to remind myself that while achievement is great, perfectionist can rob you of so much.

So I'm sitting in Borders blogging instead of writing an econ paper (that isn't even due for another week). So take that, hyper-perfectionism!

The Comparison Game

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly discontent can insidiously creep into your life. One day, you may feel fine, and out of nowhere something triggers it. Perhaps it’s been there under the surface for a while, percolating, and then it boils over -- a vivid reminder that, in comparison to someone else’s life, you’re hopelessly stuck or underperforming.

I recently found myself in a situation where I was with friends who had moved forward in a certain area of their lives…and I was still stuck in the same old place with no visible progress. I might not have been so aware of my lack of progress if I hadn’t met with these friends, yet I went home moping and feeling sorry for myself. After a healthy dose of self pity, I pulled myself out of the funk by reminding myself that God has a different plan for me. If I try to measure my life according to the standards of everyone else’s life, I am going to constantly feel discontent.

Whether it’s about marriage, kids, job, calling, or fill-in-the-blank, someone is always going to seem to have it better than you and me. Their timeline might look way more appealing than ours. Their situation may seem easier. You think, God, why are they getting all of the blessing here? Pretty soon, we’ve got a full-blown jealousy situation on our hands.

When we get sucked into the comparison game, we forfeit the wonderful peace that comes from that overwhelming feeling that we are smack-dab in the middle of God’s will. Instead of feeling comfortable in our own circumstances and rejoicing in the season in which God has us, we focus on everything we don’t have. And the list can grow long. Too long, in fact, to see the blessings right in front of us.

I wish I could see my life through God’s eyes, and I understand why He does what He does. Why does He give some people who we would consider undeserving the things we want, and withhold them from us? What unseen factors are going on here that I’m not aware of?

That same weekend I hung out with these friends, one of my close friends got engaged. Talk about adding fuel to the fire! I was happy for her, but this was the last straw. I cried on the phone with my mom for an hour, and she reminded me that God has done some wonderful things in my life, and that He's preparing me for other things as we speak. It's as if a spirit of thankfulness returned to me as I reflected upon God's faithfulness. Now, when I'm feeling frustrated, I'm going remind myself to read my journals to remember all that He's done for me.

I'm back!

I’m ashamed to say that after more than three months after I created this blog, I am finally writing my second post! I have no excuses, except for the holidays, a vacation in a foreign country, an economics class, and perhaps still some hesitancy about the idea of my writing being out there for the world to see.

In my early strategizing, I decided I would wait until I had at least several semi-brilliant posts up until I advertised my blog to friends and family. The result: pretty much all accountability went out the window. It became way too easy to procrastinate, even after getting a new laptop (which was supposed to propel me into writing bliss, but rather managed to lure me into the world of playing Mah Jong and Beweled constantly during the first month I owned it).

I was so embarrassed by my procrastination that I contemplated removing my first post, and then re-posting it with a February date. Sneaky, huh? J Since no one knew my blog existed before, the evidence against me would disappear into the World Wide Abyss. Except that wouldn’t do -- if you’re going to read this blog, you’ll have to just accept me the way I am. Transparent. Imperfect. And more than susceptible to a late-night game of Mah Jong instead of writing!